Multiple things

I just feel so blue.

my mother ewas supposed to video call me but i think shes forgotten. about me. im fed up with my counsellor. im fed up of worrying so much in class. im fed up of my ‘friends’ who dont really care for me. i mfed up of it all. im fed up of living. im fed up of worrying about housemates and feeling so insecure. im fed up of being me

im so sad. also im getting so sick of the bold type . thank god im nearly finished season 4. im not looking forward to starting new classes tomorrow . i am nervous and i feel incapable of succeeding.

i cannot believe she forgot about me. i guess she doesnt care. lately shes been textin me less and i like having some space to myself but i worry she doesnt care about me. and i feel sad

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Thoughts in my head (again)

When i was on the bus home i kept thinking back to how my dad used to be. when my mother told me to eat more chicken i felt like i was forced to eat more. i didn’t like that.

i always have thoughts running around my head but then when i try to type them out like this i just go blank. its so annoying. i think the thing with my flatmate drifting away from me is getting to me. so many times i try to go into her room just to talk to her and get reassurance. i shouldn’t depend on someone like that. and if we are drifting apart, so what? we were never really that close anyways. i think its just that i don’t have friends so i depend so much on other people.

i feel a bit of pressure being at home because the way my dad is reminds me of how he used to be. but i guess its a bit of compromise. if i want to come home i have to deal with him. i like staying out for college but sometimes its just unhomely and i get lonely because i have no company. at least at home we can be alone together. theres a difference. i just need to get my ass moving. thats what i nee dot do. work on my routine and stop sleeping so goddamn much.

Things I have accommplished today

1. I flossed
2. I meditated
3. I cleaned my ears
4. I did laundry
5. I put bedsheets in the dryer
6. I cleaned my mirrors
7. I put duck in the toilet bowl
8. I took my meds

 

What is left to do:

DISSERTATION DISSERTATION DISSERTATION!!!

Thoughts in my head

i keep talking to myself and i think i need to get things out. its weird because i did things on wednesday and thursday so its not like im not socializing. i felt lonely yesterday, i wanted to do something in college so i decided to go to karate this morning. but i didnt go. sabotage myself eh? i think i might go to group tomorrow. i feel like i need some form of human interaction.

i was stupid and cut down on my medication. BOTH prozac and olanzapine. at the same time. god i was so stupid. so basically i was dealing with withdrawal effects from two meds. i am so stupid. at least just cut down on one at a time. not both at same time. i dont know what possessed me.

i feel like my flatmate is forgetting about me. she used to talk to me more and invite me loads last semester. but now she doesnt invite me anymore and we dont talk like we used to. it means a lot to me because i dont have many friends. i appreciated her talking to me. i guess she’s just forgotten about me now. but i shouldnt give her so much power. she is just one person, and there are hundreds of other people in the world. i will try go to board games night on mondays to meet more people. my counsellor thinks im a quiet person but i always thought i was an extrovert just with anxiety 😦 i feel like its bad because its best to be an extravert. but maybe i am an introvert? when i was small people used to say i was quiet. i dont know. but i get energy from other people so i thought that meant i was an extrovert. and i like talking. if i was an introvert i wouldnt like talking right?

i depend so much on the chat room for my socialisation. see i like to socialise, that means im an extrovert right? i am confused. i tried to do an introvert extrovert quiz but you know how theyre never totally reliable.

my counsellor is bothering me in various ways:

1. I feel like he thinks i should be dating. but i have not met anyone im interested yet and whats the rush. everytime i mention some guy in college being dicky to me he just thinks theyre flirting with me. apart from the obvious, of not meeting someone im interested in. statistics show that people from abusive homes tend to get into abusive relationships. and i am scared il do the same if i got into one. is it worth it? no, no its not. the abuse is not worth it and to be honest i dont really want to risk it. but i am not totaly closed off to the idea of dating. just that i dont think too well of it.
2. i think i have a crush on my counsellor. its annoying because hes not even good looking! he’s just fairly young. idk . i wonder if he’s married. i watched a youtube video that said i should tell my counselor i have a crush on him. but im embarrassed. hopefully its just a phase and will past. ive had a crushes on my previous counsellors before so maybe its just an emotional dependency thing.
3. i watched ‘YOU’ on netflix last week. maybe it was a mistake. i feel like my counsellor is a psychopath because he has this weird look on his face when he listens to me. not so much during our sessions but i feel like afterwards when he walks me to the front door its this weird silence and he is uncomfy. and i dont mind talking so i will make small talk but idk. its just weird. hes probably the most introverted counselor i ever had.
4. a lot of the times when im talking i trail off at the end and dont finish my sentence. he makes me finish it….i guess he thinks its important but i really just cant think of how to finish the sentence.
5. he reads a lot into everything. when my knee shakes because i am restless or have a lot of energy he feels like theres a deeper meaning to it. he kept thinking i was feeling a certain way. one time kept asking me how i felt when i was talking about a certain subject and i felt fine so i said that but he wouldnt believe me and he kept pushing. eventually i just made up something about having a tight chest and it seemed to make him happy. but he shouldn’t push me so much right? he feels like hes so right that if he keeps pushing he’ll get what he wants. but what about listening to me? what about believing me? i get it that maybe he is really convinced of something but what about beleiving me?
6. the final thing isnt really an issue i guess. but he thinks we should talk about my dad more. sometimes he asks me to remember a certain time with my dad when he was abusive and i just cant come up with anything. earlier this week i told him i i couldnt recall or remember things with my dad and when he asked me about it i just said i didnt remember. at the end of the session he said that maybe i did remember but maybe it was just a repressed memory or something. he may be right. but  i am uncomfortable. i dont want to be forced to recall or remember difficult times in my life 😦 or is this what counselling is all about? i feel like i might end up hating him if he keeps pushing me, whether its to remember more or just to finish my sentences.

these are all little things. i feel like in general he is a good counselor and we make good progress. but what if these little things become bigger things? i have a tendency to get worked up over small things. its a bit worrying. for the first time, im not really looking forward to my session next week. i want to bring these concerns up to him but i am afraid il make the situation worse if i do. what if its what i need? what if i need to be ‘pushed’ ? if i tell him to stop and he does, maybe i wont make so much progress anymore? im worried this is what i need and if i make a big deal out of it il be missing out on something crucial for counseling. im worried and im bothered .lol

 

 

 

 

 

Weekend shifts over

Here I am, sitting alone in my brothers room.  It is monday evening, almost a full day after my two weekend shifts. And I’m grateful to not be working. But at the same time I’m a bit bored. I have nothing to do and I just keep checking my messages. And I don’t have THAT many messages lol. Work went okay the last two days. I annoyed the bar supervisor and he was dicky to me the last two nights. But overall, I managed okay with the customers. One woman even said i did amazing, and she’d commend me at reception when she went out later. That makes me feel good. I feel like I’m doing something right. I was falsely accused of taking tips last night. but i was not doing that so i set her straight. lisa-look-a-like isn’t like lisa at all. its a pity, because i miss lisa. she isn’t responding to my messages and i can’t help but wonder if she just doesn’t want to see me.

I threw away a customers ‘fairy door’ because they left it behind with all their trash and i assumed it was rubbish. when they came back in ten minutes later they asked me about it, and yes i did remember seeing it but i just assumed they didn’t want it. he didn’t look too happy when i told him it was cleared away already. so next time when another child left something in bar i kept it near till.

I think maybe because I’m doing okay now at work maybe I just wasn’t familiar with things at the beginning. i dont know. im not going to count my lucks. but will keep trying to do my best at work because i want to learn more before i quit.

not sure i like the people i work with. one or two or three are okay. the others are meh. some get annoyed at me really quickly for mistakes i make because i am new. i dont think thats fair because im new i can’t know everything. i am who i am and how i am i cant change that. my brother says the real world is like this, there is no perfect job. but i want people to respect me, to like me even.

i want people to respect me

i want people to like me

Saturday: Work in three hours

Hello.

Today is the first day I’m not napping immediately after lunch before work later. I don’t know if its because I don’t dread it as much, or if it’s just that I’ve settled into it a little bit more. Either way, I will be having a nap, but later. And will also get up a bit earlier to prep things. I have my uniform sorted so at least just need to change clothes when I get up. Will make choccie sandwich for break later. I will eat one choccie sandwich before work and save the other one for break later. I hope it goes okay today.  I just wish it was over already or I had the day off. At least if today goes bad,  I still had my okay two day streak the middle of the week….still makes me a bit nervous about work.

Here’s the thing, do I take drinks orders first or later, with their food? I guess either way is okay. I will try take drinks orders first tonight to see if it alleviates the stress of getting everything else. I hope no one orders starters and just wants main courses.

Okay I’m stresed now lol. Might hop into bed

I was called in for full day today but i was like na ah il just do half day. so i let the manager know and it was fine, but I’m afraid the supervisor doesnt know and shes going to chase me up soon to ask where I am i will have to tell her i got changed to later shift. i dont know. its just, it was supposed to be my day off, no way im coming in for a full days work. no fucking way. its not even that nice a job and it’s not like im good at it either.

anyways. will head to bed now and nap. talk to you later. tomorrow’s shift is 6pm- midnight : eek!

Halfway through work week

Back in work tomorrow and sunday.

Work on wednesday and thursday actually went okay. it was busy, but not as busy as before and i think the fact that i was more used to things helped because i was more organized. that doesn’t mean im looking forward to work tomorrow, but i will just try and do my best and get through the weekend next week im only rostered in for two days so thats great. i have a feeling i will get called in for at least one more shift but so far its just two. hopeufly stays that way

i got these new runners. and they are perfect ezcept for one little thing: for my left foot the insole is missing like half a millimeter and i can feel it . i dont know if its a serious thing. i dont want to bother going back t othe shop but i dont want to buy a pair of shoes and then not wear it because its unsuitable. its a pity because it fits perfect otherwise. its light, its comfy. its just that side thing! i dotn know. i might ask my mother for her opinion tomorrow

 

In a blue funk

I’m in a bad mood because tomorrow is work and I am afraid I won’t do well again. I talked to my mother about quitting and she was very against it. She said i can’t control being fired but i can control not quitting. but i just don’t think im able for this job. i made people so angry last weekend and i feel like such a failure. i cried both nights after work. and then my mother said the usual, that if i didn’t work id be at home bored all the time. like duh i know that. i just mean im not able for this job. people were so angry with me last week. supervisor is getting tired of me. and tomorrow i have to write on the roster that im unavailable next sunday to thursday of the following week. im not sure how they wil ltake it becaue im a new staff member. but its just i had this holiday booked in advance before i even got the job. so idk

i will head to bed soon to mope and also i have been sleeping super late lately so am tired. i should head soon. i have memorized at least half the seating plans for restaurant and tried to learn off some of the menu. i hope its enough

 

at least tomorrow only starting at 5. i hate 9 hour shifts this week i only hav six hour shifts which are much easier to manage. 9 hours is only 3 more hours from a six hour shift but it juts FEELS SO LONG!